Real English Wine - A Scarfolk Advertisement
The government strongly promoted the ‘Buy British’ message in the 1970s.
It was so keen to prove the scientific superiority of British products
that large-scale experiments were commissioned.
Scarfolk University, for example, was given four million pounds to
develop a computer that could record the brainwaves of hundreds of Real
English Wine drinkers and then convert those brainwaves into sounds and
images.
Scientists (and advertising agency executives who planned to exploit the
results) predicted the result would produce “a wide variety of positive
images, including majestic British landscapes accompanied by the sounds
of waves and music as beautiful as anything written by maestros such
Sir Edward Elgar or Cliff Richard”.
In actual fact, all the subjects’ brains produced exactly the same
image: An electrified cage containing a baby monkey whose mind had been
destroyed by medical experiments, systematic torture and the jarring
sound of a toy mechanical bear mercilessly beating a drum 24 hours a
day.
Despite this apparent setback, the Real English Wine committee ran with
this image in their advertising campaigns. The wine sold well in
Scarfolk, simply by virtue of being British, as did a spin-off
‘soft-toy’ monkey, which wasn’t actually a soft-toy at all, but a real
dead monkey.
https://scarfolk.blogspot.com/
(Scarfolk is a town in North West England that did not progress beyond 1979. Instead, the entire decade of the 1970s loops ad infinitum. Here in Scarfolk, pagan rituals blend seamlessly with science; hauntology is a compulsory subject at school, and everyone must be in bed by 8pm because they are perpetually running a slight fever. "Visit Scarfolk today. Our number one priority is keeping rabies at bay." For more information please reread).
'Conkers' are horse chestnuts.
I remember that Kallikak Macaque from the old Life Science books. IIRC, there was another one clinging to a 'mother' made of wire screen and an old towel.
ReplyDeleteDivide and conker! Frankly, I don't know how good Real English Wine could be. After all, it doesn't even appear on BumWine.com.
Don't think I didn't notice the pun.
DeleteYeah, that wire mother thing bothers me to this day, bastard scientists. I think there is no such thing as English Wine. In the Corps Mogen David and T-Bird was good enough for us, such wines should really only be used for hand to hand combat. The entire Scarfolk site is a riot, I think it is up there with 1984 for disturbing British life. I doubt that guy is a Tory, I really do.
ReplyDeleteHa ha! I'm serving Real English Wine this Thanksgiving! Or maybe Halloween -- I can't wait!
ReplyDeleteScarfolk Wines - remember, not responsible for burns or scarring incurred while consuming.
ReplyDelete