Cabbage Patch Critters
Hi Guys!
If you grew up in the 1980s, then there's no way you hadn't heard of the Cabbage Patch Kids! These were some of the most popular toys of all time, though for the life of me I can't say how they got to be so huge! The big deal with these dolls was that each came with its own "adoption papers" and its own name. And they were made in such a way that each was a little different from the next. This made real kids think that the dolls were unique and alive! It didn't hurt that these dolls originally began as the hand-crafted creations of one Xavier Roberts, which made status-conscious parents think that the dolls were something special as well! Now I'm not really into dolls, but I guess the Cabbage Patch Kids were pretty cool back in the day.
What's this got to do with anthro you ask? Like most toy hits of the 1980s, the Cabbage Patch Kids quickly got their own cartoons and movies. That means that somebody had to write stories around these dolls. As everyone knows, a good story needs its heroes and villains! Naturally, the "'Kids" were the heroes, but what about the villains? Well, these consisted of a purple-haired old lady and her two anthro minions: Beau Weasel and Cabbage Jack!
Beau was a money-grubbing mustelid while Jack was a rabbit with a bad attitude. Apparently the old lady owned a gold mine, but she needed child slaves to operate it. The idea is that if they kidnap the kids from their cabbage fields and put them to work in the mine, then the weasel can have all the gold he wants and the rabbit can eat the cabbages unmolested!
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| Cabbage Patch Kids Magazine, Spring 1987 |
This basic plot seems to have permeated the Cabbage Patch Kid universe. In cartoons, records, books, and the semi-official Cabbage Patch Kids Magazine, we see the "Villains Three" popping up like 1980s perverts and satanists to steal away the 'Kids and stop their fun forever!
The following comic story from the Spring 1987 issue of the Cabbage Patch Kids Magazine is a typical example:
We open with three careless kids flying their kite too close to the dark and scary woods! As might be expected, the kite gets caught in a tree and they have to find some way to get it down. In the meantime, our skulking villains, who must be out picking mushrooms or something, see their golden opportunity to snatch some stupid brats!
As soon as the first kid shimmies up the tree after the kite, Beau (who for some reason is packing an axe) leaps into action!
Meanwhile, Cabbage Jack pounces from a bush and grabs the second kid! Kid number three, the boy, has boogied away, ostensibly in search of help. The two girls now have to fend for themselves!
Of course they're plucky and resourceful, as all 1980s female characters are. You don't need me to explain what happens to Cabbage Jack here.
Dazed by the falling branch, Jack drops his prey, who quickly scurries off. Beau Weasel halts his mad chopping in order to scold Jack. Thus diverted, he does not notice the treed girl getting away.
But not so quickly that she can't finish the job that Beau started and drop the tree on him! At least I think that's what's happening -- it's not super clear how or why the tree actually falls. With both her stooges disabled, purple-hair lady leaves the fray in defeat! As they disappear into the distance, the spineless boy returns with a heroic woman cop! It seems that all is well, at least for the moment. You can be sure, however, that there will be no official investigation and that Purple-Hair's slave-powered mine will continue to operate. After all, she's a taxpayer, unlike these meddling kids!
Well guys, that's all I have for the moment. See you next time!
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I had no idea. I remember I scored a Cabbage Patch thing for a friends little girl Christmas 84, I was proud of how resourceful I was and those thing were very hard to find then. I noticed that Weasel is cutting down a 400 year old tree with an axe that must be 8 feet in circumference, so the artist and writers were not exactly putting themselves out in the logic department. On top of all that the kids were boring and disappeared within months, Little Marcy and Suzie Moppet at least had staying power. I have never seen one of these comics but at that time I could have been around a million of them and not seen one. You are a true curator of deathless ephemera, Sir, I always learn from your posts!
ReplyDeleteWell done! I remember reading stories of mobs fighting to get those things for Xmas. My mom, who has some abilities as a dollmaker actually made a couple of lookalikes for my cousins. I guess they were pretty happy with them seeing as that the original might as well have been on the moon.
DeleteThanks for the good words -- I love this stuff...
Yes, the one I found was a look alike but that year it was worth it's weight in gold, no kid could tell anyway. Horrid little doll.
DeleteOh,yeah. The top ad mentions a 'Beau Weisel'. I think I saw that name in our church library's copy of The Protocols Of The Learned Elders Of Zion'. Good to know tradition is important with the cabbage crew.
ReplyDeleteHa ha! I didn't know what to make of that -- all the websites spell "weasel" the proper way. They also make a big point of telling readers over and over again that Beau is consumed by greed for gold and money. I have a very bad feeling about whoever did the copy editing here.
DeleteHa ha ha! Werewolf Nazis for Manhattan strike again!
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